Details details details

Now is the point when the details are starting to overwhelm me. . .

Ear, I found out that due to changes in the band, they are no longer available for our wedding date. ARGH!!!!

I talked with many of the recently wed folks I worked with, who had done combinations of friend’s bands, PA system rentals with iPods, and Spotify. I was sorely tempted to save a thousand bucks or so by renting a PA system, and using Spotify and/or a laptop or iPod for the music. We could build the playlist in advance, or even use one of the new Wedding music or jukebox apps that allow you to build a playlist but still take requests. And maybe, if that was the one DIY project we were doing, I would have brought that option to the fiance. But, I don’t want to ask even more of my friends and family to help, by guest dj’ing, or picking up the system, or policing the playlist. I would really need to ask someone to give up their night to MC. While it’s very tempting to save money here, music is so key to the overall vibe and flow to the party that its worth it to invest in a dj who will ensure the night goes smoothly. Fortunately, a dj I had found before we decided to book the band still  had our date available! And, to top it off, he sings as well, so our guests will still be serenaded by live music!


Now that the music has been (re)figured out,  there are a whole host of other details. . .

I had figured, that with a buffet, people get up to fetch their own food, and they can then toss their own plates in the recycling bin (current plan is to use these surprisingly classy recyclable black plastic plates). Mom and dad pointed out that people will end up with piles of plates with traces of bbq on them left at the tables, which won’t leave room for cupcakes at coffee later on. We need to have people to bus the tables! And who will make the coffee?

***insert cash register “Cha-ching” sound here***

There were many more things that mom and dad (well, probably mostly mom) had thought of, that hadn’t even crossed my mind. Dave, my wonderful fiance, saw my eyes getting wider and wider as the panic grew. . . .he rubbed my shoulders and commented that since I’d been doing such a great job with the planning so far, he’d stepped back. Now, he was ready to help. He has, after all, planned many functions far larger than our wedding.

My partner in wedding planning and my partner for the rest of my life. How lucky am I?

Don't stress about the dress

So, if I was going to buy a dress, I had some requirements:

1. The construction had to be high quality. The workers who put the dress together should be more skilled than me. If I feel like I can do a better job I'm certainly not going to pay someone else to do it!

2. It had to be something I couldn't make myself. Not only did I want the skill in construction to surpass my own, but I wanted a design I couldn't even make myself.

3. The materials should be higher quality than I could find in the Boston area. While I could make a fabric shopping trip to NYC, I would probably end up paying more for materials (especially lace or silk) than a finished dress would cost.  True bridal lace STARTS at $100 yard.  Other fabrics like satin easily run upwards of twenty or thirty dollars a yard. And if I made a mistake I would have to buy more fabric. Keeping in mind that there many many yards in one dress it makes sense to buy a dress if buying the fabric alone would cost more than buying a finished dress! This wouldn't necessarily be true for the "gala appropriate" styles, which are not as full and use less fabric, but for full skirted bridal gown, which often have over a dozen yards of fabric, it certainly is.

These first three reasons are why I didn't fall in love with anything at Alfred Angelo. The designs were gorgeous, but I wasn't impressed with the construction details up close. The quality of the fabric was also not stellar. In my mind, the dresses should have cost 50 to 75% less than the retail price considering that they were using really cheap fabric.

I knew I wouldn't have those problems at Vows. If you're not familiar, Vows is a designer bridal outlet store. They carry big name designers like Vera Wang and Monique Lhullier, generally at least half off regular retail. What they have in stock is what they have- these are sample dresses (generally in sample sizes) and if you don't like the color you're out of luck.

1. I wanted something inherently bridal. Not a dress I could get in a different color and wear to a gala or fundraiser. This ruled out trumpet, fit and flare, mermaid, and sheath dresses. I wanted a big old skirt and a train!

2. I wanted something classic, but with a wow factor. Not something too traditional, but not something my kids will laugh at thirty years from now!


And this afternoon, with my fiance's mom and one of my bridesmaids, I found the dress! Gorgeous fabric, alcencon lace, and there is NO way I could have put this together myself!

Want to know what it looks like? Sorry- only moms and bridesmaids get to see it before the big day!
And I am MUCH less stressed now that I'm not pressuring myself to make it!

The dress. . . . . . .

The dress. . . .the most anticipated purchase of a bride's career.

Emphasis should be on "purchase" here, as we've romanticized the whole dress shopping process. The expectation is that you must drag at least half a dozen bridesmaids, your mother, future mother in law, and any other opinionated females you can round up  to the miniature runway inside the local bridal salon. Bonus points if any of those opinionated females will subtly (or not so subtly) point out that the dress doesn't really flatter your hips, or thighs, or whatever body party you are most self conscious about. Also, if your father will judge you for wearing anything other than a frock that covers you from floor to chin, bring him too because his obvious inability to let go of his little girl will add to the drama--I mean family bonding experience.

Fortunately, this isn't actually based on any real life experiences, merely a quick synopsis of  basically any episode of "Say Yes to the Dress."

I do some theatrical costume design for a high school and some community theaters, and love to sew.  I mainly focus on historical costumes, especially Elizabethan and Victoria style gowns, which are comparable in complexity and similar in structure to a wedding dress. My plan has actually been to make my wedding dress.

While I've been fighting a nasty cold (which I seem to have gotten for Christmas) I've been working on some mock-ups of my wedding dress. The bodice/corset part has been what has been concerning me the most as the construction is far less forgiving than a full skirt. I was feeling anxious with the progress I was making. I wasn't quite satisfied with the silhouette I had when I tried on the corset I was working on. I was starting to feel like maybe I would save myself a lot of hassle if I just bought a dress. . .

I told myself that if I could find a dress that I loved, in a style beyond what I could comfortably make myself, then I would be content walking down the aisle in something other than my own design. I was feeling frustrated with my own sewing, and was thoroughly discouraged.

I went to Alfred Angelo to see if I could find the dress. I tried on many gorgeous dresses, some of the ballgowns inspired by the Disney princesses. Much as I hate that whole woman needs a man to rescue her so her life is complete, there is something to be said for a gorgeous poufy dress encrusted with rhinestones. However, I wasn't loving the way the boning in the princess seam fell over the bust. A similar problem to what I was having with my own bodice. There was one dress from their Sapphire collection which wasn't as bad with the boning, and was actually really really gorgeous.

But then, when I got home, I looked at the picture the fabulous stylist took of me in that dress. And as much as I loved how I looked in it in the mirrors, what I saw in the picture wasn't how I wanted to look as a bride on my wedding day. It was just too much. After making some alterations to the bust line on my corset, I realized that I had managed to fix the issue that had bothered me so much earlier.

If I can get an appointment tomorrow at Vows, I think I'll take another stab at finding a dress. While I'm again feeling confident that I can make my own dress and I think I've finally nailed down the style if I do make it, I'm no longer ruling out buying a dress, if I find the right one.

As long as I can get a good deal on it!

Save the WRONG date

Okay dear readers. . . here it is. . . my chance to prove that I really am knot that bride- that I'm not buying into the whole wedding industrial complex perfect wedding thing. . . .

But there was no reason that certain individual elements could not be perfection in themselves. . . like, say, my incredibly adorable save the date bookmarks that cheekily ask recipients to "Bookmark the date."

My cousin and bridesmaid, A, helped me assemble them. We spent a long Sunday trimming engagement pictures, gluing them to the gorgeous kunzite cardstock, and laminating them.

I've sent out some of them, and so far had gotten rave reviews. . . until Gramma called. . .

Not that Gramma didn't LOVE the bookmark, but she pointed out that I put the wrong year, 2012 instead of 2013, for the date!

I would like to point out that I did remember to put the correct year in the website URL. I would also like to point out that A is in no way at fault for this! I alone am responsible for the incorrect year.

Wedding Industrial Complex Bride would be freaking out right now, ranting and raving and sending messengers on horseback to wrestle the offending bookmarks out of the hands and books of the guests who had already received them and intercepting them en route for the others.

WIC Bride would immediately commence making NEW and CORRECT bookmarks for the guests who have not yet received their bookmarks! She wouldn't care about the cost! Or the hassle of losing your place in your book!

Well, this bride is not that bride. She HATES when she loses her place in a book because the bookmark fell out, so she would NEVER send messengers on horseback to retrieve her typo-laden bookmark from betwixt the pages of her loved ones' books.

Because really, who cares? Anyone smart enough to figure out how to time travel back to this past June for the wedding SHOULD be smart enough to figure out that the wedding will actually be taking place in 2013!

Note to self- Have Gramma proofread the invitations. . . .

Color Scheming

Why on earth do the wedding registries want to know our color scheme?

What's with this obsession with color schemes? Pages and pages dedicated to them in Wedding Magazines. . .on blogs. . .everywhere!

I was holding out on picking a color scheme. I thought, initially, that D was against the whole idea of a color scheme. I was starting to get a little panicky, however, because you CANNOT get stationary without having colors! I knew I wanted black and white to be two of the colors. Those two are generally unavoidable, unless the bride wears a funky color and the guys wear powder blue tuxedos!

Not that I have anything against powder blue tuxedos. . . my dad was wearing one when he married my mom. . . but D will not be wearing one!

But with Black and White, I still needed another color. And being the practical / hoarding / crafty bride  I am, I went into my stash of card stock and found just happened to find fifty sheets of gorgeous pale lavender metallic shimmer card stock. Oh how I adore this color! Not that they can actually CALL it Lavender. . . oh no, its "Stardream Kunzite." Anyone know what Kunzite is? 

A very pretty stone! I wonder if they can make it in a lab? 

As you can see, Stardream Kunzite (Stardream is actually the name brand of the paper) is spot on!

Very cool to have Black and White and Kunzite as wedding colors. Even better than "blush" and "bashful" if you know what I mean!

Anyways. . . back to the whole color scheme dilemma. I THOUGHT D was against the color scheme idea because it was rather Wedding Industrial Complex-esque. Nope, turns out color scheme decisions are, as he puts it, "Over [his] head." He doesn't care about the color scheme, instead focusing on the centerpieces for his tables. Words cannot express how proud that makes me! What a man! I can't wait to see what he comes up with.

So the color decision is in my hands. . . 

Black and White and Kunzite it is! It's too late to go back now. . .I already ordered all the cardstock!

Feminism, Anti-Wedding Industrial Complex-ism

When I rant against all those elements that the Wedding Industrial Complex insists you MUST HAVE to make your wedding PERFECT, I want to be clear that I have absolutely nothing against the Brides who desire those things for their dream wedding.

I narrowly escaped becoming one of those brides (that's a story for another day). . . 

Ugh, even in my word choice when I'm talking about not having anything against brides who buy into the WIC I sound like I'm judging. Saying I "narrowly escaped becoming one of those brides." Snarky snarky snarky. Bad Jen. 

Let's face it--if I cut down on the snarky tone, my writing will not be nearly as entertaining. Let's be upfront about that. Let's all just admit that we enjoy judging other people and we all like to be snarky sometimes. That's why the internet was invented. . .

I will try to keep my focus here on sharing what I've learned and what I'm still learning about the wedding industry and what is really necessary to plan a wedding. 

I'm going to use a metaphor. Get used to it- I love metaphors as much as I love chocolate.

Just because the feminist movement gave (most) women the opportunity to go to college and have careers doesn't mean women shouldn't still have the opportunity, if they so choose, to stay home and focus on being a mom. And not be judged for it. And women who go to work should not be judged for working while their kids are at home with dad, or grandma, or at daycare.

I hope for a Post-WIC era, an era where women (and men) can plan the weddings that are right for them and their families. Without being judged. Without anyone telling them that they CANNOT do that. Or that they MUST do this. 

Monogrammed napkins and the like are fine if that's what will make your day special, but I think the most important trend in the "personalized" or "bespoke" wedding should be a celebration of what matters most to the bride and groom.

I know this varies based on location, but does it really have to cost between one and two hundred dollars PER PERSON to get married? Do you have eliminate everyone but the bride and groom to get married without going broke? 

Is it worth spending tens of thousands of dollars for ONE DAY? Wouldn't that money be better spent on a down payment? Student loans? A new car? A crazy awesome honeymoon?

I can no longer imagine spending $30,000 on a wedding. I used to think that's what it would take to share my wedding day with my giant extended-yet-still-close-enough-that-I-tear-up-at-the-thought-of-not-being-able-to-invite-them family. Fortunately, D and I have paid off our student loans and have the down payment thing already taken care of. We could spend a lot more on the wedding. We could leverage our strong credit on five hours of lavish food, crystal stemware, china, and couture. But why?   Would the minister refuse to sign our marriage certificate if we didn't serve beef, chicken or fish with a seasonal vegetable and some variety of potato? Would our families still consider us to be living in sin if the bridesmaids wore their own individual little black dresses instead of matching frothy pastel frocks?

D and I decided we wanted to do this wedding our way. He was fine with the whole getting married and spending the rest of his life with me, but he wasn't that into the idea of a wedding . . . until I pointed out that this is the best opportunity EVER to throw an AMAZING party. And D is VERY into throwing parties.

So D and I agreed that we would not compromise (much) on the size of our wedding. We still cannot invite all the people we want to invite. The venue that's right for our plans cannot fit more people, and besides that the per person cost really adds up. But I think we've reached a balance of the size and the per person cost. We have to be creative. We're doing many things differently. As much as possible, we're treating this shindig like a party, not a wedding reception. D doesn't want us to do the whole "color scheme" thing. As I said earlier, my bridesmaids are wearing their own little black dresses. I know one is thrilled because she already owns a dress that will be perfect. Another is psyched to go shopping for a new dress. (Will I impose final approval on their selections? Probably. . .I am still a bride after all. . . ) I'm happy because my bridesmaids will be happy with the dress they pick out entirely on their own- and don't just have to pretend to be thrilled about a dress that they will pretend they will be able to wear again. I mean, if you can't find somewhere to wear a classic LBD your problem isn't the dress!

We'll get married and we'll throw a heck of a party for our nearest and dearest.

And how can anyone judge us for that?

And if you want to spend 30, or 40, or even 100 thousand dollars on your wedding, well, that's your decision. And I promise, as long as I'm having fun celebrating, I won't judge!

The R Word

The Wedding Registry.

Few things present more of a dilemma to an anti-WIC Bride than the Wedding Registry.

Hey everyone! Here's a list of stuff we don't really need. . . .but we want! Really want! And you should buy it for us!

Do we really need All-Clad pots? YES! Well. . .no. . .not REALLY.

For less than the price of a 1qt All-Clad saucepan, you can fund the education of a student for ONE YEAR at the Free High School in San Juan del Sur!

D has one of those 1qt All-Clad saucepans, one that he bought for a pittance from a homeless person in NYC. Yes there are some dents. . . but we really enjoy speculating about where they came from. . . However, D lived in a pretty "transitional" neighborhood and we probably don't want to know. . .

Not that the pan's sordid past affects the function! When I cave in to cravings and make boxed macaroni and cheese (Oh how I love Annie's. . . I've grown up a little from Kraft) I feel like Julia Child!

The weight, the balance, the sheer indestructibility of that pan, not to mention its potential as a weapon for self defense, make it an essential part of our cooking arsenal.

These are pans that will last us a lifetime. And our friends and family know that we will certainly be using these marvels of stainless steel to prepare lavish feasts when they visit us.

D was adamant that we find a way to register that would give our guests flexibility when selecting where to buy from--he wants them to get the best price. While all online registries are an option, I had to explain to him that for convenience (and a healthy distrust of the internet by many relatives) we needed a brick and mortar option as well. Giftregistry360.com is run by The Knot, and seems to be the answer.

You may have surmised by my URL that The Knot is not my favorite institution. The emphasis on pointless bridal consumerism and the insistence that every single detail must be customized by or purchased from a vendor specializing in weddings and that if you do not have your cake coordinated to match your chair covers, your cathedral length veil, your manicure, your shoes, your garter belt, and your first born's christening gown your SPECIAL DAY will be RUINED and your Great-Aunt-Twice-Removed will disown you-- is completely ridiculous.

But there are so many pretty things to look at . . . . so just because I abhor what The Knot represents doesn't mean I don't lose myself in all its wedding porn. . . (for those of you who have not heard the term before, "wedding porn" actually involves no porn. . . it compares how women ogle lacy, frothy, elaborate wedding details to how men ogle actual porn.)

But this Giftregistry360.com thing is pretty neat because it will keep track of all your registries, and allow you to offer guests multiple places to buy from, so that they can get the best deal on the All-Clad saucepan your marriage will not be complete without. And while I don't like its affiliation with The Knot, it is darn convenient.

We already have everything we need--after all, we have each other. But if our guests want to make it easier for D to whip up fabulous meals for his lovely wife, who I am to stop them?