Feminism, Anti-Wedding Industrial Complex-ism

When I rant against all those elements that the Wedding Industrial Complex insists you MUST HAVE to make your wedding PERFECT, I want to be clear that I have absolutely nothing against the Brides who desire those things for their dream wedding.

I narrowly escaped becoming one of those brides (that's a story for another day). . . 

Ugh, even in my word choice when I'm talking about not having anything against brides who buy into the WIC I sound like I'm judging. Saying I "narrowly escaped becoming one of those brides." Snarky snarky snarky. Bad Jen. 

Let's face it--if I cut down on the snarky tone, my writing will not be nearly as entertaining. Let's be upfront about that. Let's all just admit that we enjoy judging other people and we all like to be snarky sometimes. That's why the internet was invented. . .

I will try to keep my focus here on sharing what I've learned and what I'm still learning about the wedding industry and what is really necessary to plan a wedding. 

I'm going to use a metaphor. Get used to it- I love metaphors as much as I love chocolate.

Just because the feminist movement gave (most) women the opportunity to go to college and have careers doesn't mean women shouldn't still have the opportunity, if they so choose, to stay home and focus on being a mom. And not be judged for it. And women who go to work should not be judged for working while their kids are at home with dad, or grandma, or at daycare.

I hope for a Post-WIC era, an era where women (and men) can plan the weddings that are right for them and their families. Without being judged. Without anyone telling them that they CANNOT do that. Or that they MUST do this. 

Monogrammed napkins and the like are fine if that's what will make your day special, but I think the most important trend in the "personalized" or "bespoke" wedding should be a celebration of what matters most to the bride and groom.

I know this varies based on location, but does it really have to cost between one and two hundred dollars PER PERSON to get married? Do you have eliminate everyone but the bride and groom to get married without going broke? 

Is it worth spending tens of thousands of dollars for ONE DAY? Wouldn't that money be better spent on a down payment? Student loans? A new car? A crazy awesome honeymoon?

I can no longer imagine spending $30,000 on a wedding. I used to think that's what it would take to share my wedding day with my giant extended-yet-still-close-enough-that-I-tear-up-at-the-thought-of-not-being-able-to-invite-them family. Fortunately, D and I have paid off our student loans and have the down payment thing already taken care of. We could spend a lot more on the wedding. We could leverage our strong credit on five hours of lavish food, crystal stemware, china, and couture. But why?   Would the minister refuse to sign our marriage certificate if we didn't serve beef, chicken or fish with a seasonal vegetable and some variety of potato? Would our families still consider us to be living in sin if the bridesmaids wore their own individual little black dresses instead of matching frothy pastel frocks?

D and I decided we wanted to do this wedding our way. He was fine with the whole getting married and spending the rest of his life with me, but he wasn't that into the idea of a wedding . . . until I pointed out that this is the best opportunity EVER to throw an AMAZING party. And D is VERY into throwing parties.

So D and I agreed that we would not compromise (much) on the size of our wedding. We still cannot invite all the people we want to invite. The venue that's right for our plans cannot fit more people, and besides that the per person cost really adds up. But I think we've reached a balance of the size and the per person cost. We have to be creative. We're doing many things differently. As much as possible, we're treating this shindig like a party, not a wedding reception. D doesn't want us to do the whole "color scheme" thing. As I said earlier, my bridesmaids are wearing their own little black dresses. I know one is thrilled because she already owns a dress that will be perfect. Another is psyched to go shopping for a new dress. (Will I impose final approval on their selections? Probably. . .I am still a bride after all. . . ) I'm happy because my bridesmaids will be happy with the dress they pick out entirely on their own- and don't just have to pretend to be thrilled about a dress that they will pretend they will be able to wear again. I mean, if you can't find somewhere to wear a classic LBD your problem isn't the dress!

We'll get married and we'll throw a heck of a party for our nearest and dearest.

And how can anyone judge us for that?

And if you want to spend 30, or 40, or even 100 thousand dollars on your wedding, well, that's your decision. And I promise, as long as I'm having fun celebrating, I won't judge!

The R Word

The Wedding Registry.

Few things present more of a dilemma to an anti-WIC Bride than the Wedding Registry.

Hey everyone! Here's a list of stuff we don't really need. . . .but we want! Really want! And you should buy it for us!

Do we really need All-Clad pots? YES! Well. . .no. . .not REALLY.

For less than the price of a 1qt All-Clad saucepan, you can fund the education of a student for ONE YEAR at the Free High School in San Juan del Sur!

D has one of those 1qt All-Clad saucepans, one that he bought for a pittance from a homeless person in NYC. Yes there are some dents. . . but we really enjoy speculating about where they came from. . . However, D lived in a pretty "transitional" neighborhood and we probably don't want to know. . .

Not that the pan's sordid past affects the function! When I cave in to cravings and make boxed macaroni and cheese (Oh how I love Annie's. . . I've grown up a little from Kraft) I feel like Julia Child!

The weight, the balance, the sheer indestructibility of that pan, not to mention its potential as a weapon for self defense, make it an essential part of our cooking arsenal.

These are pans that will last us a lifetime. And our friends and family know that we will certainly be using these marvels of stainless steel to prepare lavish feasts when they visit us.

D was adamant that we find a way to register that would give our guests flexibility when selecting where to buy from--he wants them to get the best price. While all online registries are an option, I had to explain to him that for convenience (and a healthy distrust of the internet by many relatives) we needed a brick and mortar option as well. Giftregistry360.com is run by The Knot, and seems to be the answer.

You may have surmised by my URL that The Knot is not my favorite institution. The emphasis on pointless bridal consumerism and the insistence that every single detail must be customized by or purchased from a vendor specializing in weddings and that if you do not have your cake coordinated to match your chair covers, your cathedral length veil, your manicure, your shoes, your garter belt, and your first born's christening gown your SPECIAL DAY will be RUINED and your Great-Aunt-Twice-Removed will disown you-- is completely ridiculous.

But there are so many pretty things to look at . . . . so just because I abhor what The Knot represents doesn't mean I don't lose myself in all its wedding porn. . . (for those of you who have not heard the term before, "wedding porn" actually involves no porn. . . it compares how women ogle lacy, frothy, elaborate wedding details to how men ogle actual porn.)

But this Giftregistry360.com thing is pretty neat because it will keep track of all your registries, and allow you to offer guests multiple places to buy from, so that they can get the best deal on the All-Clad saucepan your marriage will not be complete without. And while I don't like its affiliation with The Knot, it is darn convenient.

We already have everything we need--after all, we have each other. But if our guests want to make it easier for D to whip up fabulous meals for his lovely wife, who I am to stop them?

The Wedding Industrial Complex

Long before D proposed, I began planning our wedding. Actually, this started long before I even met D. I blame this on our society, which programs us to imagine our fairy tale wedding from the time we are barely old enough to pop our worn copy of Beauty and the Beast into the VCR and hit play. And if you are too young to remember this you are FAR TOO YOUNG to be planning your wedding in earnest! Go travel and live your life for a while first!

Anyway, at some point I was listening to NPR and heard an interview with the author of a book called A Practical Wedding. I vowed that I would read this book when I got engaged.

The blog for A Practical Wedding is fantastic. That's where I first read about the Wedding Industrial Complex. I will be talking about/ranting against the WIC often, so I suggest you find out exactly what it is here::
http://apracticalwedding.com/2009/04/wedding-industrial-complex-as-it-were/

So let this be a warning to anyone who expects the "traditional" wedding (which you will learn, if you read A Practical Wedding, is not so traditional after all!)--

D and I won't be doing things for our wedding because those are the things you are supposed to do or the things everyone expects you to do. (Unless one of those things is really really important to someone who is really really important to us. . . )

We will not go into debt or drain our savings for one day because that's what people think it takes to have a "nice" wedding.

We will create a wedding that celebrates us as a couple, and thanks our friends and family for all their love and support.

We will not pay a premium for something ONLY because we attach the word "wedding" to it.

We will honor traditions that are important to us as a couple.

As our first act of hospitality as a married couple, we will throw an AMAZING party.